Some days, I tell time like normal people. I look at a clock, my phone, my computer. I know if it's morning or night, because people sleep at night and are awake during the day. Knowing the time isn't a problem.
Other days and nights, I get lost. Four isn't a reasonable number for time - four am? four pm? Four and twenty blackbirds? Sometimes, I tell time by the clocktower, those days. It only chimes during the day, so I know if I hear four chimes, when I'm lying in bed in the dim light, that it is four in the afternoon. I have lost my day. Night is approaching.
And sometimes I'll hear it chime eight, and know there's still hope of getting up at a reasonable hour. A reasonable hope of telling time in the way other people know.
Getting lost in LA on my way to meet my old coworker Jan for a study session for some test. Ending up in gang territory, unable to escape. Gang members wore masquerade robber masks. Found a closet to hide in with two other people. After the fighting stopped, a woman with a gun opened, and I was afraid she'd shoot us. Instead she beckoned me out, and said my only chance was to run. I asked, which way, but couldn't hear her answer - I ran out the front door with guns blazing at me. After a block or two, people started cheering and waving at me, so I knew I'd gone the right way. Called Morgan, who was sleepy, and was asking me about what part of LA I'd been in - I of course had no idea. Laughs ensued.
Wine. Cake. Tv. Done.
HR from Verizon called. Tried to make my case as well as I could. Stressful.
Arrived home, with lemon almond torte, blush champagne and roses in hand. Yum.
Whole foods yielded not the cake I wanted. Substitutions were made.
Doc listened to my litany of bleh. Told me he's cutting down his patient load, and to find a new doctor. Prescribed Abilify. I've seen commercials for that, so it must be good.
Went to the foot doc. Got an injection of lidocane into my foot. It doesn't feel better. He took x-rays and told me that while nothing is broken, I'll need an orthotic and I can't run for at least 6 weeks. I also should be wearing hiking boots.
Took a shower as to not be gross.
Painted my fingernails, a second coat. Painted my toenails. Going to the foot doc, may as well make them pretty, yeah?
Audrey did awesome at swimming today, putting her head underwater and moving up to the next level. She said it was even fun by the time she was done. Couldn't be more proud.
Talked to Dimitry, who I have an unending intellectual crush on. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to talk to him. He's going to go out on a limb (several limbs?) and help me out with my job search.
Cut off some tights that didn't fit, made them into thigh highs. Used sock glue to hold them up - totally awesome. Thigh highs in my future.
So, once again it's late at night and I can't find something. Today it's Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which I suddenly had a passionate need to read.
And which I can't find.
Now this shouldn't be *that* surprising. The last time I saw it was... at least five moves ago. And almost as many boyfriends likely to steal it.
But still. Fucking a.
Intervention is a show on A&E about addicts, in which at the end, the friends and family convince the subject of the show to go to treatment.
Some of the show is dedicated to showing what a miserable fuckup the addict is. All the shitty things they do to themselves and the people around them. How ruined their famliy's lives are.
Then they end up at the Intervention. The family and friends read prepared statements, which usually start with, "I remember when you were a beautiful infant and could do nothing wrong," and end with "You are making my life a living hell and if you don't go to treatment I'll never speak to you again."
This idea, that the family somehow has a corner on suffering, bugs the shit out of me. I've seen my own family do it - they think my ex somehow hurt them more than me, that my mental illness is harder for them than it is for me. How much I make them worry.
I don't think they ever really think about how much my life has been destroyed, what a fragment of a person I am. That their constant condemnation just makes it that much harder, and that there isn't enough "It's because we love you" that can hide that. They don't really care what happens, as long as they don't have to hear about it.
There are days when I think about leaving the state, ridding everyone of the misery that seeps into their lives. Find somewhere cheap to live, do clerical work. Maybe take up a drug habit. Because that's how some of these things get started.
There are times to be self centered. When your life is falling apart, it's ok to be self centered. Sorry, God, or whoever else I've offended. I just can't be obligated to give a fuck right now.
(Snow: I am not talking about you.)
I am 31 now. It is like being 30.
I have just had my first benzos of my 31st year, and tomorrow will go on big roller coasters. So I think that means the ups and downs will be more in my control this year.
Or that's how I'm spinning it.
Sleep now. Cake tomorrow.
I tried to go to sleep tonight Made it quiet, settled in, took some drugs, listened to music... no go. The music set my mind to thinking - I could give my dad some music that I like that he might also like for Father's Day.
So I gathered some m83 and some Sigur Ros. And then I went to find Godspeed You Black Emperor. And I can't find even one of the cds.
They are just gone. I was pretty sure they were on top of my cd player in my room. But they aren't. And they aren't in my bookcase, and they aren't in my cd file, and they aren't any of the random fucking places I put CDs.
WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO?
I know this mystery will remain unsolved tonight and I will gave to seriously sedate myself to get myself to bed.
Fuck me and my obsessive brain.
1: itunes has shit drm. instant gratification, but good luck having that album 5 years from now.
2: packaging. i know it sounds trite, but i just picked up sigur ros hvarf-heim 2cd set, and i haven't even listened to it yet - but the packaging just made me feel wonderful. it set a mood. it was exactly right.
same for the ladytron - velocifero. i'd had it in mp3 from slsk for weeks, but i'm not sorry i bought it, broke as i am. the package is lovely.
i'm also noticing a tendency towards digipacks that have a lot of room for cover design, and sometimes inserts. more art = more love.
on another night, i used my pocketknife for the first time tonight. to cut my lithium in half. awesome prevails.
- Tomorrow is run three of my c25k program. So far it's been good. We'll see how the step up goes.
- Kat found a 5k run, and we're all gonna do it at the end of our program. Yay! Our team name is icanhaz5k? Because we are awesome. Team shirts pending.
- Battlestar has been pure unadulterated crap for the last two episodes. Fuckers.
- In catching up on movies news... Watched Gone Baby Gone tonight. Damned fine movie. I watched No Country For Old Men the other night and didn't get the fuss. This, this is worth the fuss.
- Waytired. Going to sleep and hoping to get up before the hot tomorrow.
I started Couch to 5K today. The first run was actually really great. Campus is so wonderful - big flat trails, enough of them to do one big loop and not repeat... beautiful scenery, and during summer, no people!
I didn't get nearly as worn out as I would have expected. I have a lot more stamina now, thanks to lots of long walks and some cardio work at the gym. So hopefully I can keep up with this and make it a success.
Kat and Snow are also doing it - it may be a last-man-standing thing, we'll see. :)
snow says my bed is like this:
He's not wrong. Half my bed really is full of books. And I do fall out of my bed.
But you know what? If nothing else, the internet is good for telling you that you aren't alone. You're never, ever alone. Kinda creepy, actually.
"Danica and gentlemen, start your engines!"
I haven't watched racing in a really long time, and it just makes me so happy to see a top 10 finishing, hot girl in the mix. How fucking awesome is that?
Some day it will be "ladies and gentlemen" - have you ever seen a girl drive?