small victories in zombie town

5aday - day 4 - 2009-03-04

2009-03-04T18:15:00.001-08:00

Commute photos. I love riding BART.

5aday - day 3 - 2009-03-03

2009-03-04T01:15:00.000-08:00

Day 2 went missing - skipping to day 3. Obvious from the content that I forgot to take my camera with me today - today's photos are close to the ground.

5aday - day 1 - 2009-03-01

2009-03-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

minimum of 5 pics a day for 60 days. pictures of cat and boyfriend do not count. will post at least 5 here - they may not be awesome, but they are taken.

long time

2009-02-20T11:34:00.001-08:00

I've been spewing my day to day thoughts to the random masses on Twitter lately, and thus neglecting longer narrative here. I feel ok about that - I don't think too many people read this anyway, and I'm not sure how productive it is to record every moody thought.

I spent 3 months at EA on a contract, and I loved it. They had the most beautiful campus, games everywhere (including a fucking Arkanoid machine), the best cafeteria I've ever encountered, and a Starbucks. My contract was terminated right before Christmas. I was a bit heartbroken. I don't think I've ever been so sad to leave a company. Thus is contracting.

Monday I start back at Verizon, in a completely different capacity. I'm really looking forward to it - this spotty employment thing has been really horrible. I don't really have anything else to say about that, except that it's going to be hard work, and I need that.

Snow and I have been playing D&D on a regular basis at Endgame, to enormous entertainment value. It feels good to geek out like that. I haven't made it the last couple of weeks and I've been in terrible withdrawals. I'm hopoing I can make it Monday despite it being my first day at work. I don't have a lot of social interaction, and I need it.

Today is my last day of leisure, so I plan to slack and then possibly go to Becketts and eat fish and chips and drink cider.

Things are looking up, I'm cautiously optimistic. Once I get a couple of paychecks under my belt, Snow and I are planning to move in together. After 5-ish years. We are slow, but it's for the best. My biggest concern is how our cats will get along. Here's hoping, on that one.

Things that are good:

TV:
Leverage
Fringe
The last few episodes of Battlestar

Games:
Settlers of Catan card game
Spacefarers of Catan
D&D 4e

Books:
Arthur and George

new most favorite things

2008-11-12T11:32:00.001-08:00

Escape Pod -SciFi fiction podcast
PseudoPod - Horror fiction podcast

These are keeping me sane (for varying values of sane) on my commute. Seriously good stuff.

Nocturnimal

2008-09-23T01:28:00.000-07:00

Saw a ghost last night.

these are a few of my favorite things

2008-09-17T05:20:00.001-07:00

New sparkly blue nail polish and a new huge oversized flannel shirt to sleep in - I am unabashedly delighted with both. Yesterday was a good day - in addition, got a wonderful Navy wool sweater, a commando sweater, and a name change at the DMV and bank.

Also, I apparently only need 5 hours of sleep now. Probably to make up for the 18 hour sleep days I was having last week.

helicopters

2008-09-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

They aren't ever anything good, are they. I mean even if you're being rescued by one out at sea, it means you're out at sea and need rescuing.

I think in this case they are likely newsies covering the last of the moron protesters (read: deadbeat hippies) sitting in trees on campus. Yes, save the landscaping. Nevermind all the valuable time you could be putting in volunteering at the real actual regional park a mile away - or heaven forbid, taking care of real actual humans. Some people give everyone else a bad name. Stupid false heroics.

Nearing hour 24. I remember once, after many days of ingesting alterants, I asked a friend, "Are things getting really weird, or is it just me?" He said, "No."

And so it is. The fog and dim light and my sore eye and woozy head, the snippets of conversation, the seemingly prophetic graffiti... these are all symptoms of synapses slow to synch. This is your brain off its rhythm. Off meds, now that I think about it. Rectifying that now...

Strange how easily chemistry can lose syncopation, and how hard it is to tell the beat is off. The world is strange. People are doing strange, doomsday-like things. It does seem reasonable that the sirens should start screaming at any moment. The other day, the ground shook hard, twice, and then stopped. It does that sometimes. Sometimes it's my neighbors. Either way, everything rattles.

I say, I think I'm nocturnal. Snow says, will you ghost around in a white night-dress? It sounds appealing. I've discovered weaving disconcertingly keeps people from panhandling me, whether I do it on purpose or not. Similarly, I can't really imagine anyone would mess with a 30-something insomniac purposelessly haunting my street.

Gonna fix the off-kilter chems. Going to stay up until it's dark, and hopefully sleep until it's light. Less ghosting, more of well, whatever else it is.

PAX roundup : Games

2008-09-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be posting some pictures and video later, when I feel like it.

Fallout 3

What can I say, I'm a sucker for a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Even more so one with gun and zombies. But this looks fucking brilliant. I'm excited enough about this to want to buy a next gen console. They've pegged the art - it is dirty, creepy, and beautiful. The wreckage of a lost world looms everywhere. The live walkthrough demo was great fun to watch - the developers of this game clearly are in love with it. Their glee and humor while doing the demo was contageous. That can only produce a more wonderful game, really. There seem to be about a zillion paths to take and eastereggs to find. They implied it's the largest fucking game ever, saying it's as big as Oblivion but much, much denser.

They put in a system where you can make your own weapons out of junk. This delights the pack-rat in me - maybe this old cable box will be *useful* down the road, right? To make a remote controlled auto-cannon? Why not!

They did some really smart stuff with the interface. You can play first person, or pull all the way back to third person above. The configuration and controls are all designed not to pull you out of the game world, they are devices you interact with. It sounds cheezy, but it really works.

The humor and strangeness that is a trademark of Fallout is definitely there. I am very seriously excited about this.

Deadspace

They didn't have a demo going, which sucks. I really wanted to see it. What they DID have was Templesmith's comic, so I picked up the one I missed. So that rules. They also had a really nice hardcover art book, with the concept art and a lot of discussion of the artistic design of the game. It was $5 and worth every penny, really.

The way they are developing this property appeals to me. Building a multi-faceted world, leading up to immersion. I really enjoyed the Dead Space comic, and I'm looking foward to the movie.

The game itself is sci-fi horror - the book said that the sci-fi tropes were well established, it was putting real horror on top of them that was the challenge. And seriously, they have put some thought into scary. And creepy. So that's exciting, because a lot of horror leaves me cold instead of shivering under the table as it should.

So yeah, excited.

Left for Dead

I'm not a big fan of run and gun shooters, but damn if they didn't do this one right. The interface is just stellar - you can see who your enemies are, you can see who your allies are, and you can see actionable items clearly. It leaves the rest of your attention to, you know, killing zombies. And the more time killing zombies, the better.

Guitar Hero World Tour + Rock Band 2

Guitar Hero World Tour introduces a mic and drums to the classic Guitar Hero gameplay. Honestly, I think it looks great. The drums look like drums. The interface, while a mimic of Rock Band, seems cleaner and easier to read. And people were having great fun rocking out.

Rock Band 2 looks like Rock Band, but with more songs. Honestly I don't see much new here. But it was enormously fun to see bands go up there and play on expert. The guys who switched instruments halfway - classy.

Also, only in Seattle do people actually still like Alice in Chains. Seriously. I never want to hear Rooster again.

D&D 4th Edition

Man! They fixed it! It is so great. I didn't get a chance to actually play, but I did watch Snow run a module with an RPGA judge, who happened to also be the writer of the module.

It is mini-focused, which I never thought I'd approve of. But really, it works.

The system has been streamlined to the point where it is easy to watch and know what is going on. Which I have NEVER found to be the case.

I went home and made a 4th edition character in anticipation of finding an RPGA game around here. I have blue dice and a frigid wizard. Look out world.

Magic Online

I have to confess, this looks fun. They've done a nice job on the interface and art, and you can see all of the pretty cards better. That's all.

Wii Games in General

Ok, I want a Wii. I want to wave my arms around and dance. I want to drum by waving controllers. I want to run around on a sensor pad. All of these things vastly appeal to me. Wii brings the cute. And if there's one thing I like as much as post-apocalyptic wastelands, it's cute.

Starcraft 2

Is preeeeetty. The gameplay is identical, from my observation, but they made it SO much prettier. Honestly, I have no idea why this should have taken so long to put out, considering it's really just a graphics engine change. But, it looks great, and will entrance me for some long period of time, I think.

Neverwinter Nights 2 Expansion

Roped into an enthusiastic demo, I actually thought this looked great. In addition to being pretty, it has a really great party control system, where you have tons of control over your party members without having to walk each of them around. And, they communicate! Seeing a party member tell you they're switching to their melee weapon, without you have to tell them to do so, is neat. If they ever get it together to put this out for Mac (the last one took forever and I'm not sure it's even out), I'll be spending some time in it.

More on the rest of the trip later, wanted to get this down before I forgot all of the cool shit we saw. There was probably more, but my mind is a sieve. Suffice it to say, the next year in games looks very, very bright.

tall Starbucks doubletalk w/ extra froth

2008-09-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

OH and just to post twice in 20 minutes, I was at Starbucks this afternoon with Snow, and we sat upstairs where they were having the Quarterly New Product Indoctrination of their barristas and barristos (is that the masculine of barrista?)

Anyway, it was all about MORNING NOURISHMENT FOOD ITEMS. Fucking seriously. Not "Breakfast chomps" or "Tasty crumpets" - nourishing food items!

The oatmeal does sound delicious, though. And the first three toppings are free, as long as they aren't a banana. Seriously!

Uhhhh so. 'sup.

2008-09-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

LINGUISTIC INNOCENCE WARNING: Words that are apparently not words in this post include nonsensery, assfuckery, multicast, and geekery. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Wow, I have totally neglected blogger! I knew this would happen at some point - something else would steal my attention. In this case, I wish I could say it was simply real life (haha) but in reality, my stray output cycles have been sucked into twitter. Yep. Random brain emanations now are being multicast. Hooray for the future!

Real life kept me away even from twitter for a few days, though. Up at PAX for the weekend. Seattle was beautiful - I really do like that town. PAX was chock full of geekery, which was wonderful. I regrew my intimacy with my PSP, namely with Wipeout:Pure. Which I suck at. And Snow beats me at. And then laughs at me. Neigh, he *cackles* at me.

I have pictures and videos and nonsensery which I will post for posterity at some other point than this. For now, I just bought some REALLY pretty blue dice, and I'm going to go roll up a 4ed caster later at Snow's house once it cools off quite a bit. Did I mention Seattle was overcast and cool and breezy?

It took something like two and a half hours to get back from the airport on Sunday, due to luggage and BART assfuckery. My fish was dead and my fridge door open when I got home. But aside from that, life is grand.

It's the final countdown.

2008-08-14T03:10:00.001-07:00

I love the whole world.

Compared to the other kids in my class, I'm a lot taller

2008-08-06T16:41:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I saw Cereal Killer from Hackers at a recruiting event at Linux World today. To refresh your memory:

I didn't get a picture of him, lacking cameraphone at the ready. He was talking to the people at LBL. Are you fucking kidding me?

I was there checking out a job fair, since I was going to be in the city in interview clothes anyway. It was a bust, but worth it to see the Linux dork burnout trying to talk to the lab folks.

Interview, however, was stellar, and my mood is exceptional. If you have a favor to ask, now's a good time.

Words + Pictures

2008-08-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

First attempt at some kind of visual narrative - a comic, if you will. First page of 12 I have images and words for. Layout takes me a long time.

Click for full, 'cos it's too big for this column

Untitled, as of yet. But you can probably see where it's going.

The Thing - as envisioned by Zombie Zombie

2008-07-31T22:14:00.001-07:00

Cool, but...

2008-07-30T02:06:00.001-07:00

Seriously? Worst sounds you'll ever hear?

Maybe that explains my commute anxiety. Justified!

2008-07-25T07:25:00.001-07:00

seraphs and more

2008-07-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

Nothing exceptional. Felt like playing with words, fonts.

Whatever, Dave.

2008-07-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

Song running through my head all afternoon:

Gang of Four - Armalite Rifle

Bang, bang

2008-07-22T17:09:00.001-07:00

Went shooting with Snow and our friend today. It was quite exciting. Started out with kudzu hair (due to a convertable) and ended with gunpowder (due to a gun).

I didn't do too badly for my second time in 10 years, I think.

One of our friend's rounds was defective, and blew up while I was shooting. The blowback was kind of weird - burning feeling on my face and hand, and lots of gunpowder all over my fingers. I didn't know what happened, except that it wasn't right. I looked to my friend and shouted through the earmuffs, "IT SPLATTERED". Not a good thing to yell in a shooting range, seriously.

It destroyed his gun. Extremely upsetting. Used a rented gun for the remainder of our time.

All in all though, it was a great time. I think I could make a happy habit of going to a range. It was very meditative. Also, I want to see a nice cluster around that X sometime.

Well we possess mind vents

2008-07-21T11:29:00.001-07:00

How can I not love a song that namechecks both Chuck D and hydrogen? The element. Not some rapper.

Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - Development

Note: The whole album is fucking excellent.

The red isn't the red we painted : it's just - rust

2008-07-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song) - Fiona Apple

The way she sings that one rust line gets in my head.

Simulcast in GMT

2008-07-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

Previously recorded, from Whitechapel open mic thread:

I used to take photos of empty places - parking lots and garages, night-time buildings and streetlights. Dark streets don't seem to hold my eye anymore : this bothers me, sometimes. When I cross the bridge in late evening and I see the slanting sun strobing between the beams, I think, this should be moving me.

The SPCA was a big green pet park in the middle of an industrial zone. Directly across, there was some kind of building rubbish processing place - mountains of rebar and concrete, big earth moving machines kicking them around in great clouds of dust. I stood and stared but didn't wonder where my camera was.

I wax and wane among the verbal and the visual. Sometimes I hang suspended in between, trying to diagram sentences, dance about architecture. Sometimes afternoon becomes too early, sometimes midnight becomes late. The in-betweenings are so strange for me. I know my states, like valences. The indeterminate has that unfinished feeling, between freeway exits, stitches, channels in the dim hours. The uncertainty of not just where I am but a doubtfulness about where I was, and a lack of confidence about where to go next.

I am annoyed by my own posturing, but I crave validation. I crawl in and out of my shell like a creature not long from the sea. I forget to drink; I rarely drink to forget.

It's not so much that I'm a seeker of wisdom and meaning, it's just that you can only play so many video games before you wonder - wasn't there something else I was going to do? I want to make art - I want to write - I want to invent - I want to leave a footprint on the world larger than my tired calcium and my flung dna. I want my spirit to rise and agitate the future.

I want the sound of insects and electronic devices to ring in the heads of people I've never met and for them to thrill at it, confounded.

Quality Cat Song Entertainment + Dancing

2008-07-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

The cat doesn't sing or dance, but the song and dance is still quality.

Poor Sparta.

The Mean Kitty Song

Laibach covers Queen, check

2008-07-19T08:45:00.001-07:00

Laibach - Geburt Einer Nation

I forgot how great Laibach is.

unternet do not fail my tired eyes

2008-07-19T00:02:00.001-07:00

I'm getting some new glasses, for computer and close work, due to being blind as a bat who doesn't have echolocation. I can't find a picture of them online, but they're something like these:

Yesssss. Real pictures in a week or two, par usual.

Aha!! Further searching yielded success. Leaving prior search results for others trying to find these damned things. But these are the ones:

An intervention might be in order.

2008-07-18T08:06:00.001-07:00

[UN] We've brought you all together here today so you can see how much your fellow first world countries love you.
[Canada] Hi, Sam.
[US] *sulks*
[UN] We're each going to read something we've prepared for you, and then you can talk, and then we'll be done. ok?
[UK] I'll go first. US, you were once our beautiful little colony - a rebel to be sure, but proud of your freedom...
[US] YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD. I'M OUTTA HERE.

Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds.

2008-07-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Trinity Day

comics :: i has them

2008-07-12T21:25:00.001-07:00

and now, i celebrates

comicsgasm

2008-07-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

local having a clearance of their back room.
hundreds of boxes of stuff, $1 each, except for people who got there at 10 (me) for which they were .50.

i dug through boxes for an hour and a half and came up with 38 comics, four of which are going to the kid and one to my sister

i'm going back later, fortified with caffeine

there was also a wonderful camaraderie of the seeker of the arcane and dusty and lost in the room. and a smell of old paper and ink.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

2008-07-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, no. But cucpcakes and books.

xkcd: living my life since... well, whatever

2008-07-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

xkcd gets it right. Again.

Things that are good

2008-07-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

The Umbrella Academy

So entertaining. Go read it, right now.

What is awesome

2008-07-09T10:03:00.001-07:00

Telling your 8 year old daughter that you got tickets to a football game - and she knows that it is European football, not American football.

Footie!!!!

I fought the law

2008-07-09T09:37:00.001-07:00

Nothing like a little air guitar to start your day.

Long live The Clash.

2nd gig

2008-07-07T01:13:00.000-07:00

authenticity. or is it?

2008-07-06T23:11:00.001-07:00

1/365

xkcd: making me happy since, well, forever

2008-07-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Review: Today's emergency warning siren test

2008-07-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

The test of the emergency alarm system on the Cal campus Wednesday, July 2, was utterly sub-par. With an initial long ramp up and tone with no warning, it didn't even begin to rival the subtle intonations of previous sirens. Indeed, it completed without fanfare, only to be duplicated a few minutes later with announcement.

The announcement was also sub-par. While adequately robotic, the pacing was completely wrong and unbelievable. It could very well be a Commie up there, pretending to be a human initiating a test.

The second test siren was also truly a disappointment. One solid tone, with no undulation whatsoever.

The only redeeming feature of this entire performance were the three chirps leading up to and after the human (or robot) announcement - perfect pitch, pace, and intonation, as always.

Overall, this was the worst civil defense warning system test I've ever born witness to. Only time will tell if the operators can return to their previous stellar level of craftsmanship - for siren operation is not just a job, it's a passion.

correlations

2008-07-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

Correlation:

I spent all day on Telegraph Ave
I can't get the smell of hippie incense off of me

I woke up at around 6:30 - early, for me. I had breakfast, watched some Tivo, did some exercises. Took a nap from 9:00 to 10:00. I can't really remember what I did then - paid some bills, fucked around. Around noon or one, headed to Telegraph to sell some CDs.

I traded in a bunch of cds at Amoeba - the guy there was kind of a dick. I don't know what his problem was, but I'm pretty sure he underestimated my stuff. I had about 60 cds, about 1/3 of which were compilations and stuff I can understand being worth a quarter. But most of the rest were IDM/electronica stuff that is always in demand, some of it collectible. But they had swooped off my CDs and put the cash in my hand, so what the fuck. I'm not selling to them again. I'd rather give it away than sell it for pennies to people who act like jerks.

Went by Industrial Tattoo to look at portfolios and talk to someone about a prospective tattoo. Talked to a super nice guy who is an apprentice there. I like the shop a lot - clean, friendly. Totally unlike the crowded and dark Zebra across the way. I've seen nice work from Industrial, and I really like one artist's style... so when/if I decide to get it, they seem like a good option.

Bought a few books : Book of Leonard Cohen poems, Stardust by Neil Gaiman, a Ghost in the Shell novelization, and a copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep - which I'd lost my copy of a long time ago.

I also bought a big bag of spearmint. Seriously, to drink. Now everything that doesn't smell like hippie incense smells like mint. Yum. I actually put sachets of it in my closets.

Snow and I had lunch at a pretty decent taqueria. I had a gigantic pile of nachos, which tried to kill me. We headed back to Snow's - I took a shower, and we alternately napped.

We watched more MI:5 streamed from Netflix, and it is just fucking awesome. I'm really enjoying it. It doesn't pull punches, and it does things US tv would never do.

So yeah. I still smell like hippie incense, after all of that. go figure.

Hard to swallow

2008-06-30T20:36:00.001-07:00

Every fucking day.

telling time

2008-06-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Some days, I tell time like normal people. I look at a clock, my phone, my computer. I know if it's morning or night, because people sleep at night and are awake during the day. Knowing the time isn't a problem.

Other days and nights, I get lost. Four isn't a reasonable number for time - four am? four pm? Four and twenty blackbirds? Sometimes, I tell time by the clocktower, those days. It only chimes during the day, so I know if I hear four chimes, when I'm lying in bed in the dim light, that it is four in the afternoon. I have lost my day. Night is approaching.

And sometimes I'll hear it chime eight, and know there's still hope of getting up at a reasonable hour. A reasonable hope of telling time in the way other people know.

light sound electricity

2008-06-27T23:29:00.001-07:00

Self-portraits today:

Physical therapy today. I didn't realize how technological it would be. Ultrasound, electricity, lasers. It was good - I really liked the therapist.

Too tired to document anything else. Yay, useless.

silly girl, you always get lost.

2008-06-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Dreams:

Getting lost in LA on my way to meet my old coworker Jan for a study session for some test. Ending up in gang territory, unable to escape. Gang members wore masquerade robber masks. Found a closet to hide in with two other people. After the fighting stopped, a woman with a gun opened, and I was afraid she'd shoot us. Instead she beckoned me out, and said my only chance was to run. I asked, which way, but couldn't hear her answer - I ran out the front door with guns blazing at me. After a block or two, people started cheering and waving at me, so I knew I'd gone the right way. Called Morgan, who was sleepy, and was asking me about what part of LA I'd been in - I of course had no idea. Laughs ensued.

from the bottom

2008-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

Wine. Cake. Tv. Done.

HR from Verizon called. Tried to make my case as well as I could. Stressful.

Arrived home, with lemon almond torte, blush champagne and roses in hand. Yum.

Whole foods yielded not the cake I wanted. Substitutions were made.

Doc listened to my litany of bleh. Told me he's cutting down his patient load, and to find a new doctor. Prescribed Abilify. I've seen commercials for that, so it must be good.

Went to the foot doc. Got an injection of lidocane into my foot. It doesn't feel better. He took x-rays and told me that while nothing is broken, I'll need an orthotic and I can't run for at least 6 weeks. I also should be wearing hiking boots.

Took a shower as to not be gross.

Painted my fingernails, a second coat. Painted my toenails. Going to the foot doc, may as well make them pretty, yeah?

Audrey did awesome at swimming today, putting her head underwater and moving up to the next level. She said it was even fun by the time she was done. Couldn't be more proud.

Talked to Dimitry, who I have an unending intellectual crush on. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to talk to him. He's going to go out on a limb (several limbs?) and help me out with my job search.

Cut off some tights that didn't fit, made them into thigh highs. Used sock glue to hold them up - totally awesome. Thigh highs in my future.

Woke.

'cos these boots are made for walking

2008-06-21T09:57:00.001-07:00

Doc Marten is having a boot design contest. Mine rock. Go vote for them.

2am can't find it blues

2008-06-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

So, once again it's late at night and I can't find something. Today it's Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which I suddenly had a passionate need to read.

And which I can't find.

Now this shouldn't be *that* surprising. The last time I saw it was... at least five moves ago. And almost as many boyfriends likely to steal it.

But still. Fucking a.

imogen heap

2008-06-17T01:37:00.001-07:00

How did no one point out to me that Imogen Heap is so awesome? I need savvier friends.

i'm sorry, it happens. you just can't do it again

2008-06-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Intervention is a show on A&E about addicts, in which at the end, the friends and family convince the subject of the show to go to treatment.

Some of the show is dedicated to showing what a miserable fuckup the addict is. All the shitty things they do to themselves and the people around them. How ruined their famliy's lives are.

Then they end up at the Intervention. The family and friends read prepared statements, which usually start with, "I remember when you were a beautiful infant and could do nothing wrong," and end with "You are making my life a living hell and if you don't go to treatment I'll never speak to you again."

This idea, that the family somehow has a corner on suffering, bugs the shit out of me. I've seen my own family do it - they think my ex somehow hurt them more than me, that my mental illness is harder for them than it is for me. How much I make them worry.

I don't think they ever really think about how much my life has been destroyed, what a fragment of a person I am. That their constant condemnation just makes it that much harder, and that there isn't enough "It's because we love you" that can hide that. They don't really care what happens, as long as they don't have to hear about it.

There are days when I think about leaving the state, ridding everyone of the misery that seeps into their lives. Find somewhere cheap to live, do clerical work. Maybe take up a drug habit. Because that's how some of these things get started.

There are times to be self centered. When your life is falling apart, it's ok to be self centered. Sorry, God, or whoever else I've offended. I just can't be obligated to give a fuck right now.

(Snow: I am not talking about you.)

your favorite egg laying mammal

2008-06-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

WANT.

Specifically, I want to get one and drill a hole and wear it as a necklace.

Because it is awesome.

happy birthday to me

2008-06-15T03:21:00.001-07:00

I am 31 now. It is like being 30.

I have just had my first benzos of my 31st year, and tomorrow will go on big roller coasters. So I think that means the ups and downs will be more in my control this year.

Or that's how I'm spinning it.

Sleep now. Cake tomorrow.

well, fuck all that

2008-06-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

I tried to go to sleep tonight Made it quiet, settled in, took some drugs, listened to music... no go. The music set my mind to thinking - I could give my dad some music that I like that he might also like for Father's Day.

So I gathered some m83 and some Sigur Ros. And then I went to find Godspeed You Black Emperor. And I can't find even one of the cds.

They are just gone. I was pretty sure they were on top of my cd player in my room. But they aren't. And they aren't in my bookcase, and they aren't in my cd file, and they aren't any of the random fucking places I put CDs.

WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO?

I know this mystery will remain unsolved tonight and I will gave to seriously sedate myself to get myself to bed.

Fuck me and my obsessive brain.

why the fuck can't i be as cool as freddie mercury

2008-06-12T21:58:00.001-07:00

Goddammit!! Look at that cape!!

reasons to purchase cds

2008-06-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

1: itunes has shit drm. instant gratification, but good luck having that album 5 years from now.

2: packaging. i know it sounds trite, but i just picked up sigur ros hvarf-heim 2cd set, and i haven't even listened to it yet - but the packaging just made me feel wonderful. it set a mood. it was exactly right.

same for the ladytron - velocifero. i'd had it in mp3 from slsk for weeks, but i'm not sorry i bought it, broke as i am. the package is lovely.

i'm also noticing a tendency towards digipacks that have a lot of room for cover design, and sometimes inserts. more art = more love.

on another night, i used my pocketknife for the first time tonight. to cut my lithium in half. awesome prevails.

spectral

2008-06-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

you're acting on initiative, you're spelling out your love.

200th post!11!!1!!!

2008-06-10T00:43:00.001-07:00

misc. #23419919

2008-06-09T22:52:00.001-07:00

- Tomorrow is run three of my c25k program. So far it's been good. We'll see how the step up goes.

- Kat found a 5k run, and we're all gonna do it at the end of our program. Yay! Our team name is icanhaz5k? Because we are awesome. Team shirts pending.

- Battlestar has been pure unadulterated crap for the last two episodes. Fuckers.

- In catching up on movies news... Watched Gone Baby Gone tonight. Damned fine movie. I watched No Country For Old Men the other night and didn't get the fuss. This, this is worth the fuss.

- Waytired. Going to sleep and hoping to get up before the hot tomorrow.

c25k

2008-06-06T06:26:00.000-07:00

I started Couch to 5K today. The first run was actually really great. Campus is so wonderful - big flat trails, enough of them to do one big loop and not repeat... beautiful scenery, and during summer, no people!

I didn't get nearly as worn out as I would have expected. I have a lot more stamina now, thanks to lots of long walks and some cardio work at the gym. So hopefully I can keep up with this and make it a success.

Kat and Snow are also doing it - it may be a last-man-standing thing, we'll see. :)

what we all need is more time alone

2008-06-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Garfield Minus Garfield makes me laugh so hard I cry.

I'm never alone with my books

2008-06-02T22:10:00.001-07:00

snow says my bed is like this:

(from fartparty)

He's not wrong. Half my bed really is full of books. And I do fall out of my bed.

But you know what? If nothing else, the internet is good for telling you that you aren't alone. You're never, ever alone. Kinda creepy, actually.

not all who are mad are scientists

2008-06-02T20:28:00.001-07:00

FOR SCIENCE!

urban banking

2008-06-02T18:39:00.001-07:00

zoem:

snow:
yeah... even raccoons were given loans despite listing their income as "garbage"

Scandal!

2008-06-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

In which pill bugs are DEFAMED by the famed fafblog.

Were it not for:
a) Our love of fafblog
b) Our suspicion that giant pill bugs are not like the regular kind in temprament

War would be declared.

Words that warm my heart

2008-06-01T14:49:00.001-07:00

"Danica and gentlemen, start your engines!"

I haven't watched racing in a really long time, and it just makes me so happy to see a top 10 finishing, hot girl in the mix. How fucking awesome is that?

Some day it will be "ladies and gentlemen" - have you ever seen a girl drive?

Phrase of the evening

2008-05-31T00:49:00.001-07:00

Snow: I'm going to have to get all nautical on your ass.

apocalypse me : apocalypse you : apocalypse us

2008-05-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

And for my third trick...

2008-05-26T20:39:00.001-07:00

Muxtape : Bipolar is the new apocalyptic fervor

2008-05-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

Muxtape is neat.

http://zoembie.muxtape.com/

Can I get a goddam timpany roll? To start this goddam post?

2008-05-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes having a good chunk of your music library can be a tricky, dangerous, weird thing. On the drive home I went from the exhalation of being 16 and discovering the light underbelly of the pop world - anything on Sub Pop, really - via Throwing Muses. Then somehow, quickly I was dragged into a slurry of conflicting emotions by the multi-topical and compelling "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And Be Loved)" by Bright Eyes.

I haven't listened to Bright Eyes in a really long time. It's not because it's "emo" (please) or depressing, I just think I sort of grew out of it.

Anyway, it made me want to write about a lot of different things - how politics had almost driven me crazy. artistic frustration, suicide, driving drunk... but I think instead of that, I'll talk about Sergio.

Sergio is this guy I worked with for a while, when I worked night shifts at a quasi-porn company, doing sysadmin work. It was boring and stressful at the same time. Even though I didn't smoke, I took up smoking just to get out of the place a few times a night, and soon enough we were all hanging out across the street from the place most of the night, smoking or listening to music from a car stereo.

There was also drinking. But I'll get back to that.

Anyway, somehow Sergio and I found we both liked Bright Eyes, and we both mocked ourselves for it. We'd mime wrist-slashing movements while singing along. "Red blooded, White skinned oh and the Blues. Oh and the Blues, I got the Blues! That's me! That's me!

We figured out after a short while that having a drink or two before work at the dive bar across the way helped ease the night along. Soon we developed that knowledge into a certainty that staying there until closing was the only way to survive.

I don't really even remember what we'd talk about. I just remember drinking a lot of beers, a lot of whiskey and coke, and laughing a lot. We were comrades-in-arms - drunk, sleep-deprived, depressed and laughing.

So now I try to keep up, I've been exchanging my currency.
While a million objects pass through my periphery.
Now I'm rubbing my eyes 'cause they're starting to bother me.
I've been staring too long at the screen.
But where was it when I first heard a sweet sound of humility?
It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody.
How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery,
to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough.

East Bay pride.

2008-05-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

If you have the outside air intake open, you'll know when you're passing through it. The strange oily smoky smell of refineries, with the undertone of unnamed chemicals, housed in mysterious domes.

In a word, Richmond stinks.

i believe in space

2008-05-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

Pulling bits of stickers, plastic off of everything. It should be clean and sterile here - but no. Everything has it's own litter, and a vessel in space is no exception. In fact, worse than Earth - nothing ever stops. Everything just spins and spins, colliding with itself, becoming great tumbleweeds of meaningless material. Shiny and transparent, sticky and alternately unavoidable and impossible to catch. Fucking space debris.

And that's just inside. Outside, that's where you can really get fucked. A mote of dust at speed can create a dent that will breach a hull. A pebble can destroy the entire thing, smash it into little tiny pieces, which will in turn smash other things. It's an endless game, avoiding garbage of our own creation. A game without any good end.

And if our garbage should someday be sucked down into the gravity of Earth, or in time, another planet, chaos would ensue. Oceans surging across dry lands, craters throwing dust into the sky. Fires that burn everything in their path. All for a speck of rock, a candy wrapper. The flotsam and jetsum that continually follows the human race.

Docs for sale

2008-05-23T12:17:00.001-07:00

I dunno who reads this, but I have a pair of Doc Martens up for sale on ebay 'cos they're the wrong size and always have been. Brand new.

Doc Martens for sale

mornings have been stranger

2008-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

I slept really... not. I woke up at 5:30 and went to the gym. Updated my iPod. My network is all fucked. I was getting 50% packet loss for a while.

--- xxx.xxx.xxx.1 ping statistics ---
231 packets transmitted, 132 packets received, 42% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max/stddev = 1.214/1.792/29.794/2.531 ms

Locally! Seems okay after power cycling everything and swapping the cable. When in doubt, swap the cable out. Ah, the things I learned at Netcom...

--- xxx.xxx.xxx.1 ping statistics ---
77 packets transmitted, 73 packets received, 5% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max/stddev = 1.344/3.096/6.689/1.111 ms

5% is still totally unacceptable on a local network, but I'll take it.

Sleep now?

I have power

2008-05-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

I found the AC adapter to my drill and all is well.

FAIL

2008-05-21T16:03:00.001-07:00

I can't get my new Ikea cabinet together, so my entire living room - the really nice and clean one - is taken up by bits and bobs.

I suck at this. Suck suck suck.

Failure!

i am an american apocalypse drinker

2008-05-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

cannot undo or escape this

fell into it like a daydream or a fever

inverse frankenstein monster

2008-05-20T14:01:00.001-07:00

I wonder how long I could pay rent just selling off parts of my body? Not like whoring, but like "donations". Plasma has a decent going rate. I heard eggs are through the roof...

the apocalypse may be televised, but it will be grainy as fuck

2008-05-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

(Note: Yes, the grain is intentional. No, it wasn't in the original photo. Yes, I did it to an extent that met my aesthetic intentions. Clear? Clear.)

DO NOT WANT

2008-05-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend nomed my comics. =[

amazing art

2008-05-15T11:26:00.001-07:00

New Wall Animation by blublu

This is so amazing. This is pure creativity at work - novel, beautiful, surprising, public. It's the kind of art that is shocking because it is so surprisingly new.

But it's not just novelty. It's art, and damned good art. Watch the video, already.

today

2008-05-14T23:54:00.001-07:00

Walked down to Starving Musician and picked up this cool little nylon stringed guitar. It's small, so it won't take up much room (as opposed to my giant Seagull) and it doesn't project too much so it's good for an apartment. Nice practice guitar to get up to speed again.

Also got a folding table for a work surface. Previously I was alternating between my eating table, my coffee table, and the floor with a sheet on it. So this is great. It inspired me to finish framing my first print and I'm totally fucking happy with it.

This is the result of my cleaning over the last few days. My work area has never looked so organized, believe it or not.

Mania. it's what's for dinner.

what i do at 5am when i'm not sleeping

2008-05-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

[Gir Voice] Practice framing, of course!

Screwdriver there for size reference, and 'cos I was using it. It's the wrong size. How can I have so many screwdrivers and ALL of them are the wrong size for any given project? The photo is a bit crooked because it's not actually mounted yet.

I bought six 16x22 frame kits from the awesome framedestination.com. They have this really nice setup where you can pick your art size, mat size/color/type, frame material/profile, etc - no guesing or calculating just a complete package. So far they seem to be of excellent quality. They cost me around $30 each with archival materials. Framing shops gave me a quote of $175 a piece. Fuck you, system! This girl is doing it for herself!

Why make big framed prints? Entering a juried fair/expo/show. Hoping to have one or two accepted and maybe sold. If not, I have something solid to trot around to local coffee shops.

Girls, they just want to have frames.

I am not normal.

since i haven't killed my plants yet...

2008-05-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

I got a fish.

I am too tired to take pictures, which makes this post pointless, but he is a beta, and he is pretty.

His name is Major Romo Lampkin Motoko Murakami, Esuire.

Do not fuck with Romo. He will leap out of his little plastic bowl and fuck you up.

long distance information disconnect me if you can

2008-05-11T02:28:00.000-07:00

the evening news

2008-05-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

I've been having a nice time over at Whitechapel this evening. It is remarkably dickhead free.

This is my evening photobooth vanity shot:

Hey, now, hey now now. Sing this corrosion to me. Hey, now. Hey now now.

I think you get the motherfucking idea. Get on it, kids.

Turn
Cold
BURN!

scribble

2008-05-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

I wrote a story, and I like it. And that makes me pretty happy.

disposable dixie cup drinker

2008-05-05T09:56:00.001-07:00

all tomorrow's kittens

2008-05-05T00:35:00.001-07:00

I always think

2008-05-04T22:41:00.001-07:00

Of long essays, strings of words that sound right in my ears, just before bed. Too tired to lift my head and write them down, they drift off. Gone.

i got nail polish on my computer.

2008-05-04T02:56:00.000-07:00

Leave a cremated corpse. All ashes, none of the flesh to revere. The sins in which we lived - unlived - sins committed, forgiven, never forgotten.with the body we can finally lend that last blow to the slights, harms, embarrassments and tragedies of the past.

But the hurt never stops. If there is an afterlife, it will consister of me pressed into ashes, regretting every moment I ever lived wrong, every hurtful thing I said, every heart I broke. That is life in ashes. I can't imagine life undergrons

There is no afterlife. Live every day the best you can. Give a fuck. Try. Nobody is too good.

And don't spill nailpolish on your laptop. Trust me. It's the suckums.

4mg of clonozepam please. root beer chaser.

2008-05-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

It doesn't feel like my mind softens, exactly. That's what it's supposed to, to e a muscle relaxant for the mind. To ease the edges, to smoothe things down.

As I walk around though, smells are more detailed. The cars zipping by seem full of people on their way to places. I'm on my way to places.

I wander the aisles of stores, never finding exactly what I'm lookng for. I found incense though, and it is lovely. Smells set a theme, a context for calm.

I've had problems lately - call them memory associations. A song or a phase in a commercial or the sight of a car bring unpleasant things roaring back, filling my mind. Lately I imagine blasting them to pieces with hight powered weapons, shattering into millions of pieces. But the pills help, too. They distrct me from the self-loathing to walk to the grocery, in futile pursuits. I come home with diet root beer and wooden spoons and multi-vitamin.

It's not what the pros would call coping. But with a full bottle of pills and thirt sticks of incenes, I think i'll survive.

where i live

2008-05-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

(first posted on Whitechapel)

I live in a city of transience - of seasonality. It shows the slippage of time, to watch the waves of people in and out each year. Another graduating class, another year of my life. Here, a block from the school which I'll never attend, I watch.

I've learned a few things from living here. People really don't give a fuck what you do. They don't care how you dress, they don't care what you mumble, they don't care where you've been and they sure as fuck don't care where you're going. It's a liberating thing.

Sometimes in the evenings a low fog will settle across everything. The streetlight yellow diffuse glow is unearthly. The experimental gardens and their halogen lights look like a greenhouse spaceship.

I walk through the giant park that is the center of this city, among the temples to higher learning, and hear everyone on their cellphone. Snippets and pieces. Plans for evening, who will go home to their parents house. Who is failing. Who is concerned that thier girlfriend is cheating. The most serious of trivialities.

Yesterday a man was mugged at gunpoint outside of my boyfriend's house, a few blocks from me. I was surprised - and I don't know why. Only a few blocks South, it wouldn't have been anything to me. But this is my home, my turf. These are the blocks I wandered late at night, in various states of mental undress. In a word, I felt safe.

In the summer when it grows quiet and still, the heat of the day lifts the smell of grass everywhere. The clock tolls, even with so few to hear it. In Fall another pressing wave of humans, anxious for their future to arrive.

bacon and dreams

2008-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

I had a very strange dream last night. Somehow, an experiment my dad and I (I think) were doing messed up magnetism. In what way I'm not sure, but small stones and rocks started flying all over the place, inside the house, pelting us, scaring my grandmother. We went outside and it was worse. I suggested we get heavy-duty tents to sleep in, and if we should board up the windows (which were mysteriously unbroken).

Then, abruptly, it stopped. The explanation was that whatever was going to be magnetically drawn already had been, so there was no more.

Gotta love dream science.

Last night, in honor of my sparkly clean kitchen, I cooked dinner for Snow. We collectively had a stroke of brilliance and I cooked bacon-wrapped turkey and cheese sausages, with scrambled eggs with green peppers and onions.

And it was really, realy awesome. Despite the smoke-filled apartment. That part is irrelevant, as my place still smells like bacon. And in case anyone wonders - that is *awesome*.

one second

2008-04-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like my life is measured out in by the rounding of the clock, in flipping of the calendar. Rinse for 30 seconds. Brush for 2 minutes. Cleanse and then apply for five minutes. Stop if burning occurs. Apply to teeth for 10 minutes for a whiter, brighter smile. Sprinkle cleanser on non-poreus surface, leave for 15 minutes and rinse. Be sure to use adequate ventilation, or lung damage may occur. Take daily, unless rash appears. Rash may be fatal if left untreated. Apply and leave overnight for firmer, more luminous skin. File for disability within 30 days, or lost eligibility. Employer provided disability will expire in three months. State provided disability expires in one year.

Have the worst year of your life and try to recover some kind of normal. Try to believe the medication is working. Listen to the rain and wonder how long it will fall. Try to relax, knowing it will fall and stop, fall and stop forever.

i believe in harmony, i believe in christmas eve

2008-04-21T18:21:00.001-07:00

<3 <3 <3

2008-04-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

old techno fuels my soul

2008-04-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

make art, not money

2008-04-21T17:40:00.001-07:00

If only that paid the bills, yo.

Doodle:

More later, p'raps.

books will outlast us all, i think, i believe

2008-04-20T22:45:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to watch less tv. As a result, I've been reading a lot - approximately at a rate of a book a day. Fortunately, I don't mind re-reading books, which gives me a pretty good library to choose from.

I really wanted to read Jonathan Lethem's "As She Climbed Across the Table", but apparently had lost/given away my copy. So I settle for reading "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahnuik. It's not his most talked-about work, but I like it a lot. He has a way of creating the most completely fucked up characters that have ever lived. It makes me feel normal.

Then I read "Solaris" by Stanislaw Lem, whcih I got at the new Cody's on Shattuck. Man, I am so happy they are back. I'd seen the recent movie of it with George Clooney, which I thought was amazing. The book was equally if not more stellar, and gave me a really good appreciation of what a difficult translation it must have been, from novel to film. There's something I love about that sort of claustrophobic, paranoid fiction.

I have more books queued up. "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman", a short story collection by one of my favorite authors, Haruki Murakami, bought at The Other Change of Hobbit on Shattuck, a specialty scifi bookstore with a really cool store cat. I don't know why I never bought it until now, I have all of his other books which are in print in the US. His short stories are unsettling, confusing, evocative. They leave me feeling lightheaded, in a good way.

I finally, after going to all of the bookstores in town, found a copy of "As She Climbed Across the Table". It is in queue, probably to be moved to the top. It's a funny, strange, surreal book that makes me feel good and lonely at once.

At the same bookstore (Black Oak Books) I picked up on impulse a book called Birmingham: 35 Miles. It seems to be set after an environmental disaster of some kind. It is strange and somehow twistingly nostalgic that our greatest threat for an apocalyptic future is what we've done to our world, rather than the implements of war we once thought we'd destroy it with. Anyway, I'll report back on that one. I liked the cover. I judge books by their covers a lot.

In fact, when I lend out or lose copies of books, I find myself feverishly trying to find the same edition, or at least one with the same cover art. I really did want the version of the Lethem book I had before - but alas, it being so hard to find, I took what I could get.

I'll read them all. I'll read them again. I'll read them until their pages are frayed and crumbling and then I'll give them away and buy them again.

Today my mother told me she's afraid my dad will die before he's 70, that he has cardio-pulmonary problems and an enlarged heart. He is more frail than any of us knew and I am very very scared and I don't know how to deal with it at all.

remember when i used to live for music

2008-04-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

I knew tv was bad for me. I just didn't understand why.

You can't listen to music while you watch tv. Not really, anyway.

I blamed not having a proper stereo. I blamed my hard drive. I blamed everything. I never blamed being distracted.

I've read a book and a half in the last day. I walked three miles. I did everything but watch reruns of things I've seen a thousand times. It's good.

Not listening to music is never a good sign for my mental health. Clearly I feel better.

And in addition, annoying my late-partying neighbors with Leonard Cohen at 9:00 in the morning makes me surprisingly happy. Take this walts, with a clamp on its jaws, loves.