something, not a lot

So I quit drinking. And then I quit caffeine. And something or other has killed my libido so I've all but quit sex. I'm not really sure there's much to live for, in this state. I've quit staying up late. I've mostly quit eating.

I'm supposed to feel better now. The fog of self abuse should lift, and light will cascade down from the sky, and there probably won't be any angels, 'cos angels are *so* overdone...

Chock full of nothing. Days slide by. Tomorrow I'll tell my doctor about this hollow, and he'll give me more/better/different pills.

My pill boxes are amazing. I guess that's something.



Ok, that this made me squeal is evidence of my geekery:

American Institute of Architects Architecture and The City


until they make a food pill...

I've lost my appetite. It's a weird thing - I've always had the curse of being able to eat whatever is in front of me. And I love food, so this has over the years contributed to eating way more than I should, putting on more weight than I should carry.

Then about a month ago or so, something happened. I don't want food. It doesn't even interest me most of the time. I've been living on food bars that I force myself to eat, or whatever Snow feels like. The only craving I've had is for pounds of fruit - mostly water and a few sugars - which has passed now that it's cooler.

The food bars, incidentally, are about a billion times nicer than the ones back in the 90s. Lara Bars are incredible all-fruit and nut bars with absolutely nothing else in them - their ginger bar and lemon bar are amazing. The Odwalla bars are also good, but their new trail mix bars are amazing.

I've been losing about 1.5-2 lbs a week since this happened, and dropped a jeans size. I am not even trying to diet, I just don't find myself wanting to eat, nevermind snack.

In addition, I've been walking a lot. Today I walked 3.5 miles, to my doctor's office and back. Snow and I are looking at starting a 5k training program, just to do it. Sometime this week we're going to get new shoes and get to it.

It's weird though. I wonder what switch flipped, if it was physical, psychological, pharmaceutical. I wonder if it will stay this way, or if I will go back to wanting to eat everything I see.

For now I'm not going to worry about it, and just accept that something in my brain or body has changed for the better, and it's helping me change in a way I badly want.