getting serious

My whole life, I feel sometimes, has been unfocused. First, literally - my eyesight sucks, and it wasn't identified until I was something like 8 years old. My formative years were spent looking at the world through vaseline glass, never quite knowing what was happening.

Once I could see (my god, trees have individual leaves you can see from afar!) the rest of the unfocus set in. There was never anything I cared much about. Depression and anhedonia probably didn't help.

Now I'm getting serious. I am taking art seriously. I'm setting up to be commercial about it - but that's just a proof of a pudding I am certain I have already tasted.


But it's more than that. My body has been making me unhappy for many years. Now I feel like I have a focus for fixing it. I want to be small. Not small like weak, not small like petite, but small and fierce. I want to be sharp, to be crisp. I want to function like a small machine.

In the past I've let failure distract me. I've let life blur my focus and keep me from even seeing what I want. Now, still at times dizzy and confused, still not functioning every day, I have this small amount of burning focus. Fiercely, I will refuse to fail.

Next week I am going to San Diego with my father, to deliver my daughter to her paternal grandparents for a week. My father and I will do some stuff then go home. I hope the weather is beautiful. Berkeley is foggy, and I have summer dresses.

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